Does freedom to write come from inside or out?

As most writers can attest to, the idea of having your own space to write and be free within your writing, is an amazing dream. I might add, having the time to do so and as the final petal to the flower - getting paid to do what you love. But I digress, this posting is not about money, it is about dreams...

Writers in my mind, are dreamers and what we write are just our dreams put into words. There are not always enough words and/or concepts to contain or explain what is in our minds and thoughts, but we do our very best to bring the inside out.

Somehow putting our dreams into words, whether it is on an internet blog, a book, a notebook, a journal - you name it, is easier than trying to figure it all out. We just start writing and it figures itself out. For me it does.

Except this one nagging issue I have raised before. I have real trouble writing a character I don't like. I am still having trouble touching pure evil - to create the characters and story that I want to stretch myself to write. I know this is a learning exercise, but I'll be darned if this isn't one of my longest personal challenges ever!

I am again committed to doing the NaNoWriMo for this year and have made my donation and received my halo, so now just need to figure out what I want to write for an entire month. Perhaps if the halo were horns it would be easier?? (for those of you not familiar with the halo - it signifies that you have made a donation to support the NaNoWriMo, to keep it running year after year and to help defray the many costs it incurs, that cannot be covered by volunteer time alone.)

I really am not sure why I find it so hard to write detestable characters. Part of me feels that perhaps it is because it is not what I am supposed to be writing. Yet the other part of me feels convinced that as a writer, I should be able to write about anything.

I know I said earlier writers write what they dream - yet I absolutely do NOT dream about any of the things I plan on writing for this story. Perhaps my struggle is in making this real enough to feel - so I can write about it. I don't want to feel it and with every other thing I have written - I have been able to see, feel, taste and touch each character, in order to do them justice. How on earth can I do that with this person? How would they be believable otherwise???

I know there are things like personal and professional distance, just as there is distance between profilers and those they profile. I just don't know why this bothers me so much - or why I am feeling such avoidance. Yet it is not judgment or that feeling of knowing in my bones that I cannot or will not, cross those lines. It is just a chronic hesitation and for those of you that know me, you know hesitation is not in my vocabulary. Running and jumping out of planes is easier than taking that slow first crawl or step... did I mention a distinct lack of patience???

I hate getting in my own way and am determined to do this, I just need to take the first step. I had thought of perhaps changing my surroundings to encourage writing this character -but that idea is too real to me and I would be too out of my comfort zone to attempt writing. I mean who can concentrate surrounded by bugs, drugs and urine soaked everything? Perhaps that is my problem, I am judging my own character by what I think his feelings, thoughts and surroundings are.

Take Brett Easton Ellis - he created American Psycho without going there. He is truly evil to be sure, but he does it in a affluent, contemporary way. Perhaps that is the harder evil to write - one that masquerades within society as above it all, or even worse, the same as you and me.

They say no man is an island - but I just wonder about that. I wonder about the security and sanctuary of it all. Remember Lord of the Flies - that too has consequences of Island and human nature.... Yes I know I am confusing my metaphors, it is just my mind processing thoughts.... so I must go... to complete these while they are present...

I am not sure who or what I will write, but like all good writers, I know I can create a world where both my characters and myself are safe to freely roam, if only on the paper or computers in which they exist.