Does freedom to write come from inside or out?

As most writers can attest to, the idea of having your own space to write and be free within your writing, is an amazing dream. I might add, having the time to do so and as the final petal to the flower - getting paid to do what you love. But I digress, this posting is not about money, it is about dreams...

Writers in my mind, are dreamers and what we write are just our dreams put into words. There are not always enough words and/or concepts to contain or explain what is in our minds and thoughts, but we do our very best to bring the inside out.

Somehow putting our dreams into words, whether it is on an internet blog, a book, a notebook, a journal - you name it, is easier than trying to figure it all out. We just start writing and it figures itself out. For me it does.

Except this one nagging issue I have raised before. I have real trouble writing a character I don't like. I am still having trouble touching pure evil - to create the characters and story that I want to stretch myself to write. I know this is a learning exercise, but I'll be darned if this isn't one of my longest personal challenges ever!

I am again committed to doing the NaNoWriMo for this year and have made my donation and received my halo, so now just need to figure out what I want to write for an entire month. Perhaps if the halo were horns it would be easier?? (for those of you not familiar with the halo - it signifies that you have made a donation to support the NaNoWriMo, to keep it running year after year and to help defray the many costs it incurs, that cannot be covered by volunteer time alone.)

I really am not sure why I find it so hard to write detestable characters. Part of me feels that perhaps it is because it is not what I am supposed to be writing. Yet the other part of me feels convinced that as a writer, I should be able to write about anything.

I know I said earlier writers write what they dream - yet I absolutely do NOT dream about any of the things I plan on writing for this story. Perhaps my struggle is in making this real enough to feel - so I can write about it. I don't want to feel it and with every other thing I have written - I have been able to see, feel, taste and touch each character, in order to do them justice. How on earth can I do that with this person? How would they be believable otherwise???

I know there are things like personal and professional distance, just as there is distance between profilers and those they profile. I just don't know why this bothers me so much - or why I am feeling such avoidance. Yet it is not judgment or that feeling of knowing in my bones that I cannot or will not, cross those lines. It is just a chronic hesitation and for those of you that know me, you know hesitation is not in my vocabulary. Running and jumping out of planes is easier than taking that slow first crawl or step... did I mention a distinct lack of patience???

I hate getting in my own way and am determined to do this, I just need to take the first step. I had thought of perhaps changing my surroundings to encourage writing this character -but that idea is too real to me and I would be too out of my comfort zone to attempt writing. I mean who can concentrate surrounded by bugs, drugs and urine soaked everything? Perhaps that is my problem, I am judging my own character by what I think his feelings, thoughts and surroundings are.

Take Brett Easton Ellis - he created American Psycho without going there. He is truly evil to be sure, but he does it in a affluent, contemporary way. Perhaps that is the harder evil to write - one that masquerades within society as above it all, or even worse, the same as you and me.

They say no man is an island - but I just wonder about that. I wonder about the security and sanctuary of it all. Remember Lord of the Flies - that too has consequences of Island and human nature.... Yes I know I am confusing my metaphors, it is just my mind processing thoughts.... so I must go... to complete these while they are present...

I am not sure who or what I will write, but like all good writers, I know I can create a world where both my characters and myself are safe to freely roam, if only on the paper or computers in which they exist.

Let your inner creator out.....

Wow... amazing, amazing, amazing....

I absolutely loved the 3 Day Novel Contest this year and am really pleased with my submission. Its got it all and I am going to fully develop it if it doesn't get picked up through the contest. As usual, the waiting is the hardest part. Sounds like a song doesn't it? *lol*

I've also been working on my childrens books - both alone and with my writing partner and am really excited about the direction we are taking and the progress we are making.

We are also moving forward with our Book Store idea and that is exciting, even if that is going to be about a year away.

I have some very exciting news about the picture I have in my header. I loved this so much I contacted the creator to get exclusive rights to it. I am going to incorporate it into my own personal logo, company letterhead etc,. I am working with the artist to have it personalized with the company name etc,. I loved this from the start and knew I wanted to work with it. Having the legal position to do so, makes it perfect. To be it exactly and perfectly represents the creativity and vision that comes from writing. Anything is possible. How cool is that?

It's a gorgeous rainy day here today and I am going to take full advantage of that and write to my hearts content... paid and unpaid.. *lol*

Have a wonderful day... the sun is just starting to show from within each of you today... let it grow until it explodes into the world around you... You are magnificent. Don't be afraid to show it and don't keep it to yourself.

Bring it on.... I am so ready...

The countdown has begun.... and I couldn't be more excited.

From thought to creation starts tomorrow night. Just like this picture, someone had the idea to create these two wonderful things to see what they would look like together. We know it isn't real - but a composite of a lot of things... and that perhaps is exactly what I do when I write. I take lots of different things from my own personal experience, knowledge and interests and mesh them together to see what happens. Sometimes it is a thing of beauty, other times just a first draft of something wonderful yet to come.

I hope whatever you are doing over the next few days fills you up to the creative brim and feeds even the wildest of your dreams....

See you deep in the pages of our minds...

Does life make you appreciate death?

I am doing more work on my novel outline today and am at the point where I seem to be struggling with the duality of both my character and my story.

Not struggling in a bad way, but trying to figure out how I am going to make both sides fully available without being at the expense of each other.

I know that within people there are many different sides, different stories, I perhaps struggle with the drastic differences and wonder how to make them real and believable?

It should be both, because in reality that it the true-ness of people, we have both good and bad within us, just to varying degrees and stations. Perhaps because I have never truly had to struggle with drastic degrees because of the kind of life I have chosen to lead, I have never had to think of true evil.

That should be a good thing, but in writing to see how it exists in each of us, I do have to look to see what it is within me, even to the smallest degree. I don't want to see it, to identify it or have anything to do with it, but I fear that I must in order to make a true exploration of what it is within other people. Especially those who like me, do not want anything to do with that part of themselves or anybody else.

Is it crucial to know all the parts of oneself to live fully? To appreciate the choices that we do make? To be glad about the choices we have not made? Do we appreciate evil in degrees and at some point it just simply stops being in our realm of understanding?

Can evil and love be from the same place - just opposite ends of the scale? One healthy and the other not? Can evil be healed by love, just as love can create evil? Are they two sides of the same coin? Like the devil being an angel thrown out of heaven?

Can we make one happen but not the other? Or do both remain inside of us, dormant until something happens to bring it forward? Does one exist without the other or are they both drawn together in some inexorable dance of life and death? Is this the beauty of life - knowing one to appreciate the other, no matter what side you are on?

Can we choose to not share our dying?

How many layers do we have? Of ourselves, our soul, our body and our mind? With each of them are many parts of us housed together, yet miraculously we, for the most part, work together as one integrated human being.

I love this picture of these old trees reaching out into each other as they have done for centuries. It is beautiful and haunting at the same time.

It seems as though they are growing together as the journey continues on - providing both a history and a future by their own path. The decision to move forward through it, however is yours. That is , until someone or something makes it for you.

For this years novel I wanted to highlight the difference between the choices people make when death is approaching. Whether it is your own mortality you are exploring or avoiding, or that of the ones you love.

What choice would you make? Does it change because of the people in your life? Is it selfish to think only of yourself if you are the one dying? Is your final gift to include them in this passage of time, or to exclude them to protect them for as long as you can?

What if you are the loved one and dont want to know your own mortality? Does it change if it is your spouse that is the one that will die? What choices, or perhaps better said, what implications do both choices have, for both the living and the dead and dying?

I thought I had a pretty clear idea of where I wanted to go with my story and how to get there, but after today, perhaps I have a more personal, in depth place from which to write from. As you all know, today is the anniversary of my fathers death, but the newest revelation of two friends dying from their second cancer, brings a new focus, a new discovery, a new perspective from which to base my writing on.

I am struggling a bit with not wanting to be selfish in exploring the secrecy or choices made behind death and dying by those involved, but want to find a way to explore it carefully and sensitively. But I want to do it in a real way - a way that makes people truly feel it, understand it, live it. Perhaps even reconsider their choices, whatever they may be.

My one friend and his wife are going through her second cancer, and while I will mostly refer to her situation, his own is also something I want to examine, but not from a personal expose perspective, but from a questioning human perspective. He watched his mother die from cancer when he was a young man. His finance committed suicide. Now his wife is dying from terminal cancer, what does that do to someone? How would that affect him, his life choices and how he chooses to spend the time with his wife? Would it be easier for him to not know she is dying and be blissful in their last months together? I have no idea.. but that has always been one of the ideas I wanted to explore in this book, now it is just more real.

At what cost do we live, when we know we are going to die? Is it fair to make those we love pay the same price? Do we even give them the choice or do we just take them along for the ride because we haven't thought not to?

Reclaiming separation is hard to do...

I love a good cemetery where those we love are laid to rest. This however is not your traditional place of rest, yet it is however a "real" picture of a grand house being reclaimed by nature over time. Since its discovery there has obviously been some attempt at "rebuilding" to keep it safe on some level. I wonder if they will keep it this way as a symbol of the truth of all things.

It makes me think of a tv program I watched a few weeks ago about how long it would take the earth to recover once all humans had left it. It surprised me to see how short a time span it would be actually.

When you look at this picture do you see the beauty or do you see the work to be done to restore it to its previous state? Do you see how nature always survives despite our best attempts to forget it exists in order to build the next "highest ever" tower? For me it gives me hope and restores my faith. I know when I am in need of something - even when I don't know what it is exactly, I can go out into nature of any sort really - the beach, my garden, a walk in the park, and it restores and rebalances me. It gives me a sense of calm that no matter what we do to our planet, it will always overcome. I just don't always know if it can do so in my lifetime.

I think on some level that there is a moral divide in this matter. As I sit here in my home office typing on my laptop with my blackberry beside me, I am obviously aware of the benefits of technology and how much it impacts my life. Yet there is another side of me that loves the beauty of nature and wants to do nothing to harm it. I do my best with recycling and other things that help the environment, yet I continue to use so many things that are not eco friendly. I guess that is one of the true dichotomy's we live with, this is just one example.

I seem to have that in the characters I write and right now, even more within myself about this new character I want to explore more fully. I've written before about how I find it hard to write this dark exploratory stuff from my own voice and that I feel the need to create another persona to do so. Why is it easier to say the things you want to know about, from someone elses voice? I know the people I am going to write about feel the exact opposite.

All they want is to be heard on some level, to feel as if they mattered and as an ultimate result of their actions, they will be remembered. Where is it that things go so off that people lose their sense of humanity and want to be remembered for how many people they have ridded society of? What about the others that don't take out only the bad guys, but take out anybody they can find, how can they possibly hope or expect to be remembered for that in any kind of a good way? What does it take from the inside to not actually care that you are not remembered for anything good, but for the horror you inflicted. Is that actually true that they do not care or is that how they make their actions tolerable? If that is true, were they born with this type of callous disregard or did something, or a combinatoin of things make this combustion of imperfection happen?

On some level I feel the need to research this before I get into more depth with my character. Years ago I read Hunting Humans and In the Mind of Murderer and so many others, but I have started to re read them to get a good feel of this type of person. Yet I need to do so in my own way, with my own protection so this doesnt actually touch me. I know I have spoken of it before, but as you can see, I am still working on it. I wonder how other authors do it. I wonder how they keep the divisions of the characters separate from the divisions within themselves.

Vibrations summon the muse...

Today I have been thinking about vibrational energy. I wrote about it fairly extensively in my second novel and how it relates to personal growth and relationships with like minded, like energy fielded people. But today is how it relates to music and sound. More specifically how music can make you feel things, how it can get within you, become part of you and what happens from there.

Right now I am listening to Host of Seraphim by Lisa Gerrard / Dead Can Dance ( and will continue to let my iTunes play every song they have together or alone) in the background as I write. This song, however has always been one of my favorites. It is also one of my favorites to write to. Somehow it gets into places and feeds my heart and soul. It is from that point that the writing comes. I usually don't have any idea what I will be writing when this happens, yet every time there is something that my mind wants to say and somehow that gets translated to my fingers. I only know what it is about when I read what is on the screen, more often than not, after it is done. I don't take the time to read it as I go on, unless for some reason I get stuck in the middle or interrupted, but even then I usually just seem to pick up where I left off. There must be a name for what this is, but I am not sure what it is. I know a lot of other writers have this happen as well. That is not to say I cannot write to topic or a story line because I absolutely do that too, this is just some sort of free from thing that I love.

I love the surprise of reading what it is that was in my head that I could not verablize. For those of you that know me - yes, there are some things I cannot find the words for. Perhaps it is the silence of my insides that the music gets tapped into and together they create an orchestra of words that are only perfect and available when they meet. This synergy for me is powerful. I have a hard time writing personal things or emotional stories that ring true - without music. Or perhaps more correctly - without certain kinds of music.

When I need to reach deep within and access those parts of me I am searching to learn about and truly know - I listen to one kind of music. When I need to write an emotional scene without detachment - I listen to another. When I need to write or feel an action scene, chaos or drama - I listen to yet another. This cannot be by accident, it must be something that is triggered by the music or at least supported by it.

The same thing with photos - every day that I am on the net I search out for pictures. With no actual thing I am searching for and I save those that touch me, knowing they will be exactly perfect for something at some point in time. Then when I am ready to write for the day, I put on the piece of music that attracts me, choose the picture and wait for the muse to arrive with whatever it wants me to write for the day.

From that persepctive, when I write in that fashion, I just write free form and whatever comes out, comes out. I have an entirely different process when I write to task. While that is enjoyable in and of itself, I prefer writing from a vibrational level. I haven't actually ever spoken to anybody about this, so I am not sure if anybody else feels this way, but I feel confident I am not the only one. Even if I were, it wouldn't bother me - not one ounce.

It is my greatest wish that my words will bring about the same sorts (or at least equivalent) feelings to what music and pictures do. To tap so quickly into ones heart and psyche - that instant grab that changes every moment that comes afterwards. Some say I am too affected by these things - but to me they are the beauty of existence, of being alive to enjoy them. If they enrich or enhance, why wouldn't I want to be part of that?

The picture above is the perfect accompaniment to the music for what I want to write today. I have an intensely dark emotional scene to write, yet it is beautiful in its purity of pain. The stark reality does not betray the beauty of what it holds. To me, it summons the muse... I must go, she is here...reaching into the depths of my mind beyond the vibrations telling me she is ready...

Synoposis of Memories of My Future from NaNoWriMo 2008

Last year I entered the NaNoWriMo contest and we were asked to write a Synopsis of our book. I am copying it here, because I believe they delete profiles and information every year and I don't want to loose it. Final word count was confirmed at 192,646.

"Walking towards my future with the gifts of my past. It's all so beautiful but why do I feel like I have been here before?"

A story about a woman's journey through her past to see where she has come from that explains her present and prepares her for what comes next. She imagines she has lived many lifetimes and knows this is her last incarnation as a human being. Always a curious and open minded person she searches all realms and all possibilities to obtain her of information.

Her current relationships, health situations, hobbies, lifestyle and career choices are all seeming to be pointing her in one direction. So she takes her inspirational muses of Mozart, Monet, Dante (among so many others) and begins to explore the world discovering among other things, the significance of the number 7 on the planet. She also realizes that everything she is learning (aka the gifts) relate to a specific linear time line in history ie: Knights Templar, Crusades, Mayas and War of the Roses to mention but a few.

During this historical journey she realizes that she needs these gifts now to move forward on her personal path... not that she has any idea yet, just what that is. But the 7 women she meets may just hold the clues she needs.

Book Cover Art credit: Rose Woman by Salvador Dali

Are you a warrior or do you create them?

I absolutely love the Terra Cotta Warriors/Soldiers. Can you imagine what it took to create them? How was that done? How is each soldier created to be different from the one before and the one after - from the hundreds before and the thousands after? Who came up with the idea? Was it preparation to be immortal in the afterlife or to lament a life so soon over? Did the creators have any idea of their impact? Did they even think of that or was it just something all consuming at the time that they finished without ever realizing their own personal greatness and contributions to history? I think books are exactly the same. There are so many books, so many ideas and so many things to be said and done. Do we really believe that all the stories have been told and there is nothing left to say? Do we really believe all we have to offer is a new perception of similar experiences? Do we value what we have, what we are contributing to ourselves, our loved ones and unknown strangers both in our time and whatever comes next? I think we do ourselves a large injustice if we limit our thoughts to the self imposed boxes.

I am struggling with that in a character I want to write actually. I find with the dramatic fiction novels I can easily put myself into each character, hear their voice, represent their side - quite easily in fact. Protagonist- no problem. Antagonist - no problem - innocent and not so innocent victims? No problem. Minor characters - again, no problem. What I struggle with is being the really bad guy. It is absolutely not a moral issue - its more of a separation issue. I tend to feel each character as I write for them and while I am truly curious about the evil that happens within some humans, I obviously still hold some fear of being truly within their minds. Yet I am drawn to them - and have been for years. I have read every single book I could find on true persons of evil - I have read every forensic psychology book, every Katherine Ramsland book, Coroners journals, "Hunting Humans", "In the mind of a Murderer", Body Farm - you name it and find them interesting to read and do great character studies on. I have read all of Kathy Reichs to see how she does it - as well as Patricia Cornwell and while they have found their way, I am still struggling to find my own way to speak their voices. I'm not sure what my block is because I know writing about people who do evil things is exactly that - just writing. It doesn't mean because I have put it on paper I desire it to happen, or that my words will make something happen. Perhaps it is something as simple as me not being truly comfortable with pure evil - which I guess is a good thing. I know before I actually do any writing on this character - or even do research - I verbally and visually surround myself with walls of protection and ensure the boundaries are clear and that I am only writing this and do not want to attract this into my life. Yes I know.. it is all crazy to someone who doesn't write, but I am hoping by putting this out there, I can settle the unsettled within me and go on to write a loathsome character in a truly inspiring way. The challenge continues...

What is your challenge? What are you struggling with? How do you create separation from your characters? How do you live them long enough to write them, but not invade your personal space when they are alive in your own head? Give it some thought and let me know...

Yes I have the courage to let my words make a difference...

As you know I have entered the 3 Day Novel contest for 5 years - this will be my sixth year and again I am looking forward to the growth and challenge.

As if to support my decision, in today's mail I received an entry form and a hand written note from a person who shall remain nameless asking me if I had another one in me.

I do dear friend... I do, and thanks for asking. Thank you for remembering me year after year. I suspect it was you I got the unsigned note from a few years ago as well. I cannot tell you how much that one piece of paper inspired me and kept me going on the days when I wanted to throw it all away and put my pen down for good. I have that piece of paper along with everything that is important and dear to me. It encourages me when I think of how those few words of support make such a difference to me and it makes me wonder and believe how my own words on paper can make a difference to someone. I'm working on it... I have many left in me just dying to get out...

I can't wait to show you... and the rest of the world...

Happy Canada Day!

"Canada Day is an opportunity to gather in our communities, from coast to coast to coast, and to proudly celebrate all we have in common. It is an opportunity to celebrate our achievements, which were born in the audacious vision and shared values of our ancestors, and which are voiced in nearly all of the languages of the world through the contribution of new Canadians.

Canada Day is a time to celebrate the heritage passed down to us through the works of our authors, poets, artists and performers. It is a time to rejoice in the discoveries of our scientific researchers, in the success of our entrepreneurs, and to commemorate our history - a history in which each new chapter reveals itself to be more touching, more fascinating than the last.

As we look ahead, we have every reason to face the future with confidence and enthusiasm."

Copied from: http://www.pch.gc.ca/special/canada/11/canada-eng.cfm

Potential can be overwhelming...

Today is fairly interesting.. I took a look at all the various stories and story lines I have been working on and the number astounds me. I have 9 different ideas - 3 of which are individual (at this point in time anyways) and the other have the potential to be multiples. I did a rough count and there could be between 50 - 70 if I wrote them all.

I have decided to go ahead and do the individual ones and one from each of the series - with an organization chart for potentials to be written, so that when we approach an agent or publisher with our ideas, they can see the what, who, when, how and why. It's amazing to see how at least two of the "series" can be adapted to 3 different age groups. If I try to look at it all at one time, it is a bit overwhelming - hence the org. chart to keep it manageable.

I'm working with a friend on the content of one of the books at the moment and have given her the three I did on Friday for review. You see I couldn't stop writing just because she was working on one of our books - so now that I have her edits back I will get back to the first and she can work on the new stuff. That way we are always working and moving forward. I think the momentum we create together is great and will get us to the next step.

Speaking of which, my muse is back.. time for me to get back to writing...

I've done it again.....

I've signed up for another 3 Day Novel contest and I am already excited! I have an idea of what I want to write about and will spend the next few months working on the details, specifics, storyline etc,. so I can have an outline prepared for day 1 of the contest.

I've also been doing some writing with my girlfriend. This time we are working on a childrens' book - or perhaps more correctly, I have come up with many (30+) ideas and she and I are writing them together. She says I am the idea person, which is great. She is a mom with small children so knows exactly what they want to hear and what they need to hear at certain ages etc., I think we make a fabulous team and cannot imagine doing this with anybody else. In fact, I wouldn't be doing the kids books without her.

I'm still working on my adult novels - that hasn't changed, I just need to stay focused and motivated. Speaking of which... I should use some of this writing creativity on my stories. See you again soon!

I've been taking time to smell the flowers...

But I'm back now. After 14 months of suffering through ill health I am now recovered enough to be enjoying life again. Thank goodness. I am so grateful and will never take my health for granted again.

I've started writing again and am really excited about it. I am also honest enough to realize that keeping up three blogs every day is a lot so I will be mainly concentrating on Damaged Bricks.

That said, when I am writing and what I am writing, will always be posted on here.. so keep on watching for more.

Hope to see you in the bricks...