Secrets

Today it is all about secrets. The things we keep from others, the things others keep from us.  Are the hurtful or helpful? I guess that depends on your perspective. There is so much duplicity and lies when secrets are involved.  So much drama and chaos, which as writers we know is critical to a good storyline.

But why is that? Why is it that we want to watch, see, feel the pain or joy in someone else's drama in a movie or book, but run a mile when it is our own.  For some it is self created from an addiction or fear for others something they have no interest in at all.

Do we want to learn from a distance so we will know how to handle it in our own lives? Is it a test run to check out our coping mechanisms? Or is it conditioning? For so many years we avoid anything that could open that door, that it is only now safe to open someone else's door?

For others it is a trigger and as long as it is handled well, I guess that is a good thing. I think the trick is in knowing how you feel about them in general before you are faced with the situation. If you live a secret life, you are no doubt more aware of their existence, impact and cost. If you live a life without them, you are pretty much shell shocked at their revelation.

Like a good story, there is more than one side. I guess it is the same with secrets, they only exist if there is some one keeping the secret and someone not being told. Take away either and the secret has no power. I guess that is all it really comes down to - in our society information is power, it gives us choices and currencies. If we do something one way or the other to influence our own choices, so be it. But if we do something that unfairly influences someone else or removes their choices, not so good.

If there is one good thing about all of this technology, secrets are harder to keep. This generation wants to be much freer and open, unlike the ones that came before. Surely that is a good thing? I would agree, as long as we can keep them in our stories, for fun and interest.

The Power of Dreams

While this isn't my dream, it is someone else's and I am learning how important it is to recognize and appreciate that.  Someone has taken the time, the energy to get their thoughts down just perfectly. This particular format is a picture, but isnt that also what we do with our words? 

We find a way to put thoughts and make them into things, and search for the ultimate perfection in matching what we create to what was created inside of us.  When the outside matches the inside.  Yet why does it seem so foreign when someone says those very things apply to our physical and emotional lives?

Why is it we can see and value these things in others and what they create, but are too afraid to see in ourselves? As children we are taught that playing, dreaming etc., is ok up until a certain age. It doesnt matter at what age it should change, the knowing that this is no longer acceptable has been presented and is now a part of us. Is this when we shut down our instincts in a more tangible way? Because we know or have been told that what comes naturally is wrong and it will affect how others view and accept us.

Fast forward a few years when we are in high school and we are then told we should once again turn on that tap we were forced to close, and in record time. To figure out who we are, what we want to do with our lives, who we want to be, so we can choose a career path?

Some, the lucky ones, never stopped dreaming or perhaps more correctly, found a way to incorporate them into their every day lives and that of their surroundings in acceptable ways, so they never lost course. Never lost their balance, their purpose.  Yet so many others don't and try to reconnect on a timetable that somehow never completely happens. So they continue to search.

Some search for what they are looking for in people, others in places and others in things.  Then there is another group who refuse to search and instead try the obliteration route. Trying to block everything they knew while trying to remember what they had been taught to forget.

Slowly, if we are lucky, those pieces of ourselves come back to us. Sometimes by accident others because we are somehow living in synchronisity and it supports us and propels us forward. Other times it is love that brings us to this place.  The type of love that is our foundation, that grounds us to be ourselves again and release the judgements and fears of old so we can hear and embrace the voices we silenced so long ago.

It doesnt matter at what age this happens, as long as it happens. We can have as many dreams as we want, there are no limits other than ourselves. As adults nobody can get in your way, not of the things that really matter to you.  The more you come back to yourself, the more power you will have in your inside world and your outside world.  Yes, it may be a matter of perception, but isnt that basically what our dreams are about? Our own perceptions of what we want in our world? The people and experiences we want to meet, be and share? What our goals are based on and our successes achieved from?

No matter where you are in your life, you still have a choice. To free yourself to the power of your dreams however they present themselves or to remain hidden in fear until your days are done? They say the worst regret is those things unsaid after someone has gone. I hazard to guess if words are that powerful, what a life unlived would feel like in those last moments. I know that I for one, never want to feel that way and in fact, don't want to feel that way for any longer.

I know my characters don't either. Time to free both myself and them, just not sure what happens first. Or is that part of the synchronisity in life, the ying and the yang, the black the white, every reaction having and equal and opposite reaction? Life really is perfect, if you let it be.

Freedom

Why is freedom so important? What does Freedom actually mean?  By definition it is a noun that means either the power or right to act, speak or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint or secondly, the absences of subjection to foreign domination or despotic government. (thanks Wikipedia)

For this conversation I am going to use the first definition.  About having the power or right to act, speak or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.  Typically we assume this are things restricted by external forces i.e.: parents, teachers, police officers etc.,  but what about those things we do to ourselves?

What if the hindrance and restraint is from within? What if it is our own actions, thoughts and words that keep us from being free? Messages we have learned incorrectly and internalized and made them our own Gods?  Words that have been spoken that went straight to our core and replaced our own DNA until what is now replicated and rebuilt resembles nothing of the DNA we received from either of our parents?

Now it looks like some web of different markers, different measures - none of them with our best interests at heart. Ruled not by our metabolism or other structures but by emotions controlled by fear and ego.  What chance to our bodies and minds have to grow and thrive when we are being attacked by our insides?

More importantly, why does it matter?  Quite frankly, for some it doesn't. For those too far gone on their journey they have lost sight of anything internal and live in an only external world. For those whose escape mechanisms put them in a different realm that is not truly connected to this world, their escape is already complete as they journey to whatever comes next.

For the rest of us it is a fight we must face. Some are aware of this and some are blissfully unaware. I say blissful, not because I believe they are any happier, but from the thought that they must be happier living a more simple existence, unaware that they are not all they can be. Perhaps this seems judgemental and I don't mean it to be, as I continually get told to go with the flow and just allow things to be, to happen, and trust they will as they should.  That said, at this point I simply cannot go with the flow and allow myself to be a tourist in my own life.  I want to have some sort of impact on what happens to me.

Didn't I sign some contract before I arrived? Sitting back, watching my life go by brings me no closer to knowing if I am on track or not, if I am here to do what I came here to do?  Carolyn Myss talks about them in Sacred Contracts and I think just as we played a role in getting here to do certain things, to experience and contribute certain thinks, it is our responsibility to do our part while we are here.

In that vein, if I am getting in my own way of achieving and accomplishing my own freedom, what good will that do? Do I not owe it to myself and those I came here to interact with, to do just that? Somewhere along the lines that I got off the path, through age, distraction you name it, the fact is that I am now the one that is impeding my own freedom.

I think I know the how, when, what,who and why so have all of my answers to that. After today, I also have the what, when, how and why to take the next step. I know I have to do it, so I have the who as well.  Interesting notion that we keep ourselves prisoners far more often that anybody else ever does.  We don't need a cold war or weapons of mass destruction, we are or can be, our own worst enemies.

Unfortunately, that applies to both definitions of freedom doesn't it? Is the solution to both the same or does one beget the other? If we all made ourselves free from the inside, would we need to fight for our freedom on the outside? Seems to me it wouldn't even be an issue.  Hmm...food for thought.

Being noticed vs. being remembered

So today, my thoughts are about impressions, of ourselves and others. The things we notice, the things that catch our attention.  The things that remain with us.  This picture is an example - for those on the road and those in the plane, and while a funny example, shows what I believe to be true. That it isn't as much about being noticed that matters, it is more about being remembered.

Isn't that really why we write? To have an impact? Sure being noticed is nice to get us readers that will be interested in what we say, but really, what we want is for them to remember us. Or more correctly, what our words mean to them in their own lives.

I believe each writer has their own unique "signature", how they write, the words they use etc., and once you have found someone that reaches you, matches with your own receptors a relationship is formed, for however long it suits your needs.

I think this is why both writers and readers search for each other.  As a reader I search for "reliable" authors that consistently deliver what I am looking for at that moment. I go back to them again and again, for that certain feeling I get by reading their words, the way they say them and the concepts they explore.

Some are comforting as they are so similar, I can relax into their words.  Others stimulate and challenge me as they write things I want to learn about but haven't experienced and others because they have writings skills I do not currently possess.  Every time they meet my expectations those connections last and it becomes some sort of relationship.  They are my go to authors.

When my current favorites have nothing new out to devour, I begin a hesitant search for a new author to add to my library. To my life. That is where the real talent must rise.  I must admit for the most part it is their titles, their book jackets that I usually notice them and read their brief summary of what will follow inside.  But it is in the inside that is what will make me remember them.

But even that said, I believe there must be a balance because to be remembered, you do need to be noticed first.  So really one cannot exist without the other? Perhaps not an even 50/50 but they are both important.

What do you focus on? What do you spend your time on? Would you rather be noticed than remembered?

Avoidance vs. Acceptance

This picture is called 365 slices. It is a picture taken of the same place, every day for a year, then sliced together into one photo. I don't know who took it, but would love to give them credit. 

Today I was thinking about the concept of changing our perception from avoidance to acceptance. I thought that element would make an interesting idea to write about.  This picture to me is the same, it is just a different way of seeing something.  But it is the entire picture none the less. To me, that is what writing is all about. The idea to see something differently than before, to express something that makes someone think, to open up the experience to expand it, but not necessarily change it or abandon it.

Typically we run from something we don't like, something that has or can hurt us, something we judge ourself or afraid others will just us for/about etc.,  Can we assume this is usually a result of fear? On some level, a deeper level I believe so.  Because what we think about ourselves inside is far more damaging than anything anybody else can ever say.  Sure external words hurt, but if we didnt think the same on some level inside, those external daggers would not have the power to wound.

So rather than "feel it to heal it" we ignore it, push it away, down into these places within us that affect who we are to the core.  We continue to do that for so long, that we no longer remember we did it, it is who we are and we are changed forever.  For a while we toddle along not realizing anything has changed, then something happens, then something else and if we are lucky, we realize something needs to change. Other times we need a lot more somethings to happen before we come to that realization.

So then what? For so long we have hidden, buried, avoided, lied to ourselves about whatever this is, we no longer know how to separate it or how to find it, much less address it and fix it. Our instincts are the internal tools we are provided with to guide us, but by ignoring it etc., it no longer functions for us. Or more correctly, we no longer listen to it, because somewhere along the way our internal voice told us we can no longer trust ourselves, so we tell ourselves our instincts must be wrong as well. What we did is tell ourselves that not listening to our instincts we were doing wrong to ourselves. That combined with the original "thing" confirms to our ego that we in fact are not good, which reinforces the hiding, pushing etc.,  The ego loves this and grows exponentially in this place.  This is when others words have the ability to tear us down. We make ourselves vulnerable by not listening to ourselves, but to fix it, we seek external validation to correct the things we have done to ourselves.  Which obviously will never work.

Besides being a time, energy and emotion waster - it is a safe place to stay.  The ego loves it when we hide behind it and give it free reign to "protect" us.  Which ultimately becomes another layer to this problem.  Thus more time to correct, deal with etc., Which again, keeps us from addressing the real problem.

But what if we avoided this catch 22 cyle all together? I know it makes for good drama in our characters, as they explore all these layers/levels like peeling back an onion. But what if like the picture above, there was a different way to come up with the same ending, without all the middle drama, wasted time and effort? What if there was a way to learn something from these things we are afraid of?

That is the perspective I want to address now.  To do what that book says, to "feel the fear and do it anyways". That applies to both feeling it and doing whatever makes you afraid.  This isnt from a fool hardy perspective ie: fear of heights so you jump off of a building, I mean fear of facing a character issue, a conversation, that sort of thing. They both may have the same impact, but the difference is in doing this in a loving way to yourself.

If your attitude is always of fear, you will always be a victim.  If you always run, you will never feel safe. If you always move away from the problem, you will never have a foundation to grow from and build upon.  So instead of avoiding, I say we try to accept.  Instead of having a victim approach of why me, change that voice to a lesson mentality.  What can I learn from this? What did I need to learn that allowed this scenario to present itself?

First, you take your own power back by simply changing this perspective.  Things arent happening to you, they are happening for you. They are not being taken from you, they are being given to you etc.

If you embrace the situation, internalize the energy rather than giving it away, it remains yours. You can take that energy to find information, solutions, ideas about whatever it is, so it lands differently. If you can just stop for that moment and feel it, you will realize that nothing can kill you. It is not that dramatic. The pain my hurt your heart, dull your mind etc., but it cannot physically kill you. You will not break in half, you will not implode or dissintegrate. Knowing and believing this, will enable you to sit in that moment.  If you can sit with it and not react, it will settle into a place that can benefit you.  The energy that fear creates can be very powerful if you use it for your purposes, rather than against you.

Think of how you feel when endorphins after exercise or love make you feel.  That is energy inside that is just for you.  When you feel jittery or jumpy, that is external energy that you are giving away that doesnt work for you.

Acceptance is keeping the energy and strength just for you, where avoidance is giving away your confidence, power and ability to someone or something else.

See if there is something to learn. Not a tv commercial, not a book, but something that your inside voice is telling you. If you can sit long enough to hear it, then listen to it, the answers will come.  Every time you do that, your inside voice becomes louder and prooves itself over and over again.  This is how you will get to know your instinct all over again.

Now dont be silly and think your ego won't fight to regain its position of control and very survival.  Just thank it for the tool and help it was when you needed it, but tell it you dont need it anymore. It is something your body creates to serve you, but you are serving yourself in a different way. One that only has your bests interests at heart. 

This is the same as the conflict /battle in every story.  Whether it is internal, between characters or part of a situation. It is this struggle between ego and self, good or bad, for you or against you, avoidance or acceptance.

So.. with that in mind, I will end for today... and see what happens with my characters now that one is going to try this new way of thinking. I wonder if it will separate the characters? I wonder how this will add to their dynamic? How one will change their world while the other remains stagnant?

I am so excited to see how this story tells itself.... what will your story tell you?

3 Day Novel Contest - September 2013

So... I think I have a starting idea for my 3 Day Novel Contest this year.  Based on the real life experience of going through my friends stage 4 throat cancer treatments and the challenges it presents, I am going to see if I can create a story around the struggle, while learning about medically induced coma as a treatment method. (It isn't currently, but given the pain he is in, I think he should be, for some rest and relief)

Also, remember Jabula from a few years ago, the one that received an Honorable Mention? Well I have decided it is time to do something with it.  To get the gears going again, I have found a Novella contest that I am going to enter her into, to see what happens.  Actually I am going to work on it anyways, that was just the most recent thing that came into my path that confirmed my committment. In my other blog today I talked about signs, what they mean, why we want them etc.,  Finding this contest was my "sign" about this issue.

So on that note, I have some editing to do... see you again soon.

Abandoned...

Abandoned is the name of this picture, but as it was posted randomly, I do not know the author, but am however happy to give full credit if anybody knows who they are.

I like the picture because while it is abandoned, it still has hope. The open door, the open window, the white wash, the seeming careful placement of the camouflage made of local surroundings, all seem hopeful to me.  Like they were placed intentionally, with care.

My question is about whether it was done to keep themselves in or to keep others out.  To deflect from the real emotion or simply to elicit a response from others that can be tracked?

That is how I write as well.  I don't know how it works for some, but I know for me, I can usually hear the different "voices/sides/opinions" so can fairly easily "argue" for one or several perspectives. I find it easy to sit in the various shoes, wear the various hats.

When I am having a strong moment, I see that as a skill, a talent. When I am in a different place, the various positions can scare me, until I realize I am just exploring all of the options, to learn about them, so I can make my own, informed decisions. I am learning to recognize the difference between figuring it out for myself personally and then sharing parts of the search with each of my characters.  In my mind I believe that is what writing is about.  Making that connection. It must be hard to do if you aren't using any genuine thought or emotion from which to right from.

That said, the exception for me would be about something I have no knowledge about. That I am learning about, doing research for, in order to complete my story.  If I am truly honest, I think I like both parts equally. The coming up with ideas, doing the background research etc,. then having the web spin out in front of me as I start to write.

My personal challenge is the editing. Not that I dont enjoy making my work better, because I truly believe there is room for improvement until the day I die.  My hesitation is based on the fear that if I go back to edit my work, my original thoughts/feelings and impact will be lost with further wordsmithing.  The voice in my head says that is fear of failing or fear of succeeding by actually trying it. The rational voice in my head says to get over myself, yet I remain inactive.

I know it isn't writers block...and I have complete faith that just be continuing to write, something, anything, I will resolve whatever the issue is.

While we writers think we are unique in our thoughts, our stories and the words we use to share them, I am sure we are all the same in other areas. I cannot believe I am the only one who has editing paralysis.  Even if I am... that is ok...

So I have committed to at least do this blog, no matter what else I may do... until I no longer consider myself inactive.  And no, I will not question why I think writing anything other than my novel is considered inactive *lol*

Until I am ready to spend more time with my thoughts and keyboards, I hope your words find you easily and freely.

We are all writers....

This is called Beach Cliff by Ken Parker.  I guess that is kind of where I feel like I am right now.  I am feeling like I am in between so many things, looking at all, seeing a lot, but committing to none and taking even less action.

 

I haven't written in so long that it seems as if I have lost myself yet again. I don't know if I should find solace in the fact that I realized it sooner this time? Maybe the missing it means I am not a fraud.

 

I am not sure what in my brain fails to allow me permission to believe that I am a writer. It shouldn't take being published or recognized for me to feel comfortable saying that I write.  After all, we all do.  Whether it is for work, homework, our own personal blogs etc.,  We are all writers...  We all have something to say, we all want to be heard and valued.


I don't know why when I think I am moving ahead, I silence my own voice.  Not putting the words to paper is giving my power away and not allowing me to live to my fullest self.  It shouldn't matter what anybody else thinks, or if anybody ever reads this. It should be ok that I am writing, just for me. Maybe one day, that will truly be enough for me. To write simply for the sake of writing.  Simply for the pure pleasure I receive from it.